Friday, June 26, 2015

A COMMINATION AGAINST SINNERS: A Liturgy for Use at General Convention

One of the curiosities of the 78th General Convention has been the challenge of going 'paperless'. I cannot fathom how such an endeavour could be possible, but apparently it requires some ghostly power called 'wifi'. Segrave's has also discerned that the search for 'wifi' has revealed a gnostic tendency in The Episcopal Church: some have this secret 'wifi', others do not. There is also much lamenting those who would seek to steal this power from the Manichaean elect. In response Segrave's has authored a new supplemental liturgy to be used as a form of prayer before committee meetings. The liturgy draws upon the Commination Against Sinners in the 1662 Book of Common Prayer, as well as revised hymns from the  hymnal.

A COMMINATION:
DENOUNCING GODS ANGER AND JUDGEMENT AGAINST SINNERS

The Minister begins,

BRETHREN, in the Primitive Church there was a godly discipline, that, such persons as stood convicted of notorious sin were put to open penance, and punished in this world, that their souls might be saved in the day of the Lord; and that others, admonished by their example, might be the more afraid to offend.

CURSED is the man that searcheth for wifi, though he be not a delegate.
And the people shall answer and say,
Amen.

Minister. Cursed is he that maintaineth a Hot Spot in a committee meeting.
Answer. Amen.

Minister. Cursed is he that useth paper, felling trees along with his soul.
Answer. Amen.

Minister. Cursed is he that taketh up broadband in secret.
Answer. Amen.

The congregation will sing the following hymn to the tune of Helmsley,

Lo! It comes, with the cloud descending,
That which is Convention's bane;
thousand thousand deputies attending
cannot wifi access gain :
Oh come quickly, oh come quickly, oh come quickly,
As we seek Broadband in vain.

Every eye shall now behold them,
Reception bars of blue and green;
those who set at nought and stole them,
Shamed and assailed shall they be,
deeply wailing, deeply wailing, deeply wailing,
Those who take wifi from me.  AMEN.

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