Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Age of the Machine: Going Paperless at General Convention

2008 Ipad 2 distributed to Deputies and Bishop.
My dear reader, as you well know the industrial age has profited us much and that the great machines of our era have produced a wealth of opportunities. To this end the General Convention has, in its wisdom, allowed each deputy and bishop to receive one of these things called an "ipad".

The pad is an ancient device that appears to be run on magic.

It is to be plugged in and charged with the fantastical Thomas Edison electricity I am sure you have been told about. One bishop questioned, "Bless my peck and lush, so, I need to charge this?" Obviously flummoxed by the amazing technology there placed in his hand. The bishops, an ancient tribe, are often confused by what they consider to be the magic of technology. Another bishop remarked, "Dipper my trousers, I am just now getting used to stereoscope what is this blasted thing."

Of course the machines must be hooked up to wifi. Wifi is a way in which information produced by an alien race of automaton is spirited through the air by means of codes (for those of you who have never heard of this fanciful contraption).

The codes are secret and a person called a "legislative aid" (possibly a human like robot) will give you a special code to enter into the machine only if you have a special bar code. (Bar codes are present on the name tags so that if members of the houses fall asleep they may be transported back to their hotel rooms.) If you do not have a bar code thou shalt not receive these codes. The wifi enables the machine to hook up to what used to be called the binder. We believe that there is here in this giant space a room filled with secretaries typing in the binder information of resolutions.

Today will be the deputies first opportunity to use these machines in a meeting.

A triennial ago it took the bishops and deputies over half a day just to learn how to vote electronically so we imagine this production shall in the end bring about great confusion for the mass population here gathered who are overwhelmingly not digital natives nor digital migrants nor digital anything.

In our time last evening visiting among the hoi palloi we discovered that after exactly one hour of meetings the deputies and bishops were astonished to find out that their machines lost over 1/4 of their power. "Crankey Jem has done it brown! These infernal machines!" one deputy was overheard to shout. "Bluff! and Balamy! I don't know how to use it, now I can't use it." he stated with a loud burst of air through his mustache.

The General Convention office has responded by insuring that there is a squirrel power source available for each deputy and bishop. These can be easily worn around the neck and attach without too much trouble to the name tag.

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