Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Postage delayed, pending Latin translation.

Dear Reader,

Segrave's Gazette has an article that is pending postage.  Unfortunately, we will not be able to post until we can provide a Latin translation for the benefit of our Roman ecumenical partners.

Please check back tomorrow as we continue with our up-to-date coverage in Latin, Greek, and the Queen's English.


Mr. Segrave's Editorial Board

Sunday, June 28, 2015

A Most Distasteful Custom

From time to time in our Lord’s most beloved Church, some do fall into most abominable and lamentable sins, most especially the use of such devilry known as “wifi” at the Salt Palace Convention Center. If you have found yourself guilty of such error, I urge you to repent and return to the Lord who is slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love.  A proper Liturgy of Commination has been most skillfully crafted by my colleague, the ever earnest and capable Rev’d Sir Felix Coverdale.

But, dear reader, even more pernicious practices have been discovered at the General Convention of the Episcopal Church. Certain Romish customs have been reported to me during celebrations of the Holy Communion. I have not seen such mischief with my waking eyes, but I certainly trust the sources which have informed me of this injurious idolatry. 

Parents, only with careful discretion should you let your children continue reading this epistle. The purity of soul that you cherish in your beloved offspring might be eternally corrupted. Indeed, I pen these words with trembling hand; it has been reported that the celebrants at the Holy Communion have donned chasubles, those most distasteful garments worn by some who have been enticed by vain and fondly invented popish customs.

If you do not know what a chasuble is, give thanks to the Lord for his everlasting mercy. Furthermore, to preserve the purity of the Church and to safeguard ourselves against such popery, it is incumbent upon all Deputies, Bishops, and Visitors to General Convention to return to the godly and sober practice of Morning and Evening Prayer. 

Rev'd Sir Christohper Trychay is the Vicar of St. George's, Morebath

Friday, June 26, 2015

A COMMINATION AGAINST SINNERS: A Liturgy for Use at General Convention

One of the curiosities of the 78th General Convention has been the challenge of going 'paperless'. I cannot fathom how such an endeavour could be possible, but apparently it requires some ghostly power called 'wifi'. Segrave's has also discerned that the search for 'wifi' has revealed a gnostic tendency in The Episcopal Church: some have this secret 'wifi', others do not. There is also much lamenting those who would seek to steal this power from the Manichaean elect. In response Segrave's has authored a new supplemental liturgy to be used as a form of prayer before committee meetings. The liturgy draws upon the Commination Against Sinners in the 1662 Book of Common Prayer, as well as revised hymns from the  hymnal.


The Minister begins,

BRETHREN, in the Primitive Church there was a godly discipline, that, such persons as stood convicted of notorious sin were put to open penance, and punished in this world, that their souls might be saved in the day of the Lord; and that others, admonished by their example, might be the more afraid to offend.

CURSED is the man that searcheth for wifi, though he be not a delegate.
And the people shall answer and say,

Minister. Cursed is he that maintaineth a Hot Spot in a committee meeting.
Answer. Amen.

Minister. Cursed is he that useth paper, felling trees along with his soul.
Answer. Amen.

Minister. Cursed is he that taketh up broadband in secret.
Answer. Amen.

The congregation will sing the following hymn to the tune of Helmsley,

Lo! It comes, with the cloud descending,
That which is Convention's bane;
thousand thousand deputies attending
cannot wifi access gain :
Oh come quickly, oh come quickly, oh come quickly,
As we seek Broadband in vain.

Every eye shall now behold them,
Reception bars of blue and green;
those who set at nought and stole them,
Shamed and assailed shall they be,
deeply wailing, deeply wailing, deeply wailing,
Those who take wifi from me.  AMEN.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Unceasing Peculiarities

My how the peculiarities seem never to cease.

Only this very morning, as I took myself for a constitutional to find a coffee, did I come to the understanding that such beverages are illegal…or anathema in some way. Caffeine, it would seem, is a vice of the sort which these Salt Lakers hate. My surprise, no doubt, was understandable—and yet, I do confess, my understanding of the Mormons is limited. Much of what I know comes from the writings of Mr. Conan Doyle, whom presents little, if anything favorable. However, I was convinced from the start of my visit that such a characterization was unfair, as I had yet to meet any such ruffians or blackguards as Doyle described—certainly there are fewer horses…

Thus quitting the third establishment to explain this strange prohibition, I was equaled in my perplexity upon stepping from the shop (holding something called a ‘smoothie’) only to be nearly knocked from my feet by a passing velocipede. This, as it happened, caused me to drop my ‘smoothie’ upon the tarmac, and sending my cane into the nearest gutter. What’s worst, is that I believe the rider of offending contraption to be no less a member of the reverend clergy! Even the episcopacy, perhaps?!

Well, a fine thing it is to be shunted about all morning to be frustrated in this way in my efforts to procure tea or coffee—but this indignation may be the worst. I only hope that a repeat of events (of which my regular readers will no doubt recall) in which I was forced into a contest of pugilism with Hugh Grant and his driver… While I’ll leave it to my readers to revisit that story (for I’ve no reason to preen about my victories), the matter ended with Taylor Swift receiving a black eye (Grant’s driver is no fighter!), and Mr. Grant and I laughing and nursing our bruises like old friends at a nearby public house… Sadly, I fear my efforts in finding such a public house here in Salt Lake City may be likewise undone.

Indomitable in charm,

The Reverend Mr. Percivale E. Hollyshoes

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Fr. Sir Felix Coverdale Dreams of Gaiters

The 78th General Convention opened this morning; however, I was unable to identify any bishops or prelates.  One might think this very curious as I am at a Convention of The Episcopal Church, yet I found nobody dressed according to the traditional standards of the episcopacy.  I encountered not a single pair of legs in gaiters! 

Illustration of a gaiter.
Gaiters: Dress for Mission 
I did however chance upon a nightmare of bad ecclesiastical haberdashery: men and women dressed not in the stark and sober garments of clerics, but in a colourful array of popish jerseys of every hue of plum imaginable.  Apparently, these “purple shirts” are yet another unfortunate innovation of late 20th century modernity. 

Need Segrave’s Gazette remind Convention attendees of that most sagacious advice of Blessed Percy Dearmer (by the way, why has he not been considered for A Great Cloud of Witnesses?), that a parson arrayed in a manner not marked by “simplicity, unity, proportion, restraint, and ecclesiastical propriety” is bound to “drive from the church those whose eyes, heart and intellect” are offended by their pastor’s poor taste!  Gaiters are a garment most suited to correct the episcopal abuses of gaudy shirts.  Not only do they give bishops’ legs a shapely tone but they also serve as a hallmark of a mission-driven church.  Gaiters are worn by archdeacons and bishops because they are ideal travel ware, facilitating easy riding between parishes in one’s diocese.

So inspired have I been by gaiters as a symbol of a missional episcopacy, that I have made inquiries with Messrs. Wippell at Booth 511 who have happily agreed to send their man from Exeter to measure the More-than-Reverend who is bold enough to wear this godly garment.

Rev’d Sir Felix Coverdale, Bt. is the newest correspondent for Segrave’s Gazette.  Sir Felix is the 7th Baronet Coverdale, a graduate of St. Sylvester's House, Oxford, and Chaplain-Grand Prior to the Society of St. Charles, King-Martyr.

House of Deputies To Regulate Rolling Bags

During the combined meeting of the first session of General Convention a poor dear soul came in late after having been lost for several hours in the heat of downtown and then the labyrinthine Convention Center . 

Upon stepping into the light, finding his bearings, he quickly made his way into the combined session of the two houses this morning.  He found there the deputies attention wrapped in the beautiful and captivating words of the president.  He quickly made his way to his seat.

His seat was 1.5 miles from the back of the room and he made his way there expeditiously.  Every deputy, including our dear soul, pulls behind them a rolling bag like the one seen here.  He pulled his all 1.5 miles.  And as he did, and as the president was speaking, his suitcase went, "Clickety, clack, clickety, clack," all the way through the hall.

This brought to mind the need for legislation as does most of life here at General Convention. I am proposing the following resolution adapted from the General Convention Scooter Policy found in the Deputy Guid Book:

  • Operate your rolling bag in a careful and considerate manner – it’s the same as driving a car; be a defensive toter.
  • Use a footpath or sidewalk when one is accessible. In most jurisdictions, you are considered a pedestrian and should avoid driving on the road - no matter how big your roller bag is.
  • Move off a shared path if you have stopped so others can pass. We understand from time to time your roller bag may tip over. Please move to the sidewalk shoulder as soon as possible.
  • Travel at a speed that doesn’t endanger others or yourself. Roller bags can be heavy and take a long time to stop.
  • Similar to how you drive a car, keep right, and pass on the left. There will be a lot of roller bags.
  • Warn others when you approach them from behind, around a hidden turn or on a covered driveway. If you have a horn, use it. While many roller bags don't have horns, we recomend you get one. Most deputies are unaware at how silent they can sneak up on someone with their roller bag. 
  • Always look behind you, including before you overtake someone who is slower than you (you may hit someone on the side.)
  • If you get a call on your cell phone, pull over. Don't try and pull your roller bag and talk on the phone at the same time. Your toting ability becomes five times worse when your attention is on a phone call, and when you’re using one hand instead of two to drag your roller bag behind you.
  • When you are in a dining room or restaurant park it to the side in the dining area.
  • It is illegal for you to let any person tote your roller bag, in a way that may cause you or the other person injury.
  • Please do not leave your roller bag unattended in the hotel halls; this blocks the flow of traffic (especially when you think it doesn’t).
  • Using curb cuts is the safest way to leave a curb; otherwise the roller bag, which is prone to tipping over will tip over.
  • Please be careful when carrying extra things on your roller bag - like extra briefcases. These can make the roller bag top heavy and more dangerous.
  • Also be mindful of any items (yours or someone else’s) that could get caught in the wheels of your roller bag.  This is very dangerous and could cause the roller bag to stop suddenly, injuring you and damaging the roller bag.
  • Enjoy the mobility that the roller bag offers you and General Convention.

Age of the Machine: Going Paperless at General Convention

2008 Ipad 2 distributed to Deputies and Bishop.
My dear reader, as you well know the industrial age has profited us much and that the great machines of our era have produced a wealth of opportunities. To this end the General Convention has, in its wisdom, allowed each deputy and bishop to receive one of these things called an "ipad".

The pad is an ancient device that appears to be run on magic.

It is to be plugged in and charged with the fantastical Thomas Edison electricity I am sure you have been told about. One bishop questioned, "Bless my peck and lush, so, I need to charge this?" Obviously flummoxed by the amazing technology there placed in his hand. The bishops, an ancient tribe, are often confused by what they consider to be the magic of technology. Another bishop remarked, "Dipper my trousers, I am just now getting used to stereoscope what is this blasted thing."

Of course the machines must be hooked up to wifi. Wifi is a way in which information produced by an alien race of automaton is spirited through the air by means of codes (for those of you who have never heard of this fanciful contraption).

The codes are secret and a person called a "legislative aid" (possibly a human like robot) will give you a special code to enter into the machine only if you have a special bar code. (Bar codes are present on the name tags so that if members of the houses fall asleep they may be transported back to their hotel rooms.) If you do not have a bar code thou shalt not receive these codes. The wifi enables the machine to hook up to what used to be called the binder. We believe that there is here in this giant space a room filled with secretaries typing in the binder information of resolutions.

Today will be the deputies first opportunity to use these machines in a meeting.

A triennial ago it took the bishops and deputies over half a day just to learn how to vote electronically so we imagine this production shall in the end bring about great confusion for the mass population here gathered who are overwhelmingly not digital natives nor digital migrants nor digital anything.

In our time last evening visiting among the hoi palloi we discovered that after exactly one hour of meetings the deputies and bishops were astonished to find out that their machines lost over 1/4 of their power. "Crankey Jem has done it brown! These infernal machines!" one deputy was overheard to shout. "Bluff! and Balamy! I don't know how to use it, now I can't use it." he stated with a loud burst of air through his mustache.

The General Convention office has responded by insuring that there is a squirrel power source available for each deputy and bishop. These can be easily worn around the neck and attach without too much trouble to the name tag.